(This
story was written more than a decade ago, soon after my first Ayahuasca
ceremony. At the time, very few Westerners knew of this plant teacher and I was
among the first to bring the medicine and Ayahuasqueros (the shamans who
navigate the spirit world through this plant teacher) to the US.
As I
am reading this again for the first time in so many years, I sit crying tears
of joy. I am reminded that the medicine predicted so many things in my future
that are now happening. I remember what an incredible healing it was for me and
how it gave me the jump start needed to truly begin my own work as a healer and
wildlife advocate. Though I also know now that I have been doing this work my
whole life already. And I can see that the universe was telling me that because
of my unwillingness to pay attention to my moon cycle and body until then, that
something major would happen. A few years later I was diagnosed with a large
fibroid that only a hysterectomy would be able to remove.
At
my last ayahuasca ceremony, the medicine told me that it would be my last
ceremony. She said that I had learned all that I could from the medicine and
she had done all of the healing that she could for me. And I believed her. I
have not been to another Ayahuasca ceremony since.
I
listened and yet still today I am learning from her teachings in those
ceremonies. She has truly been a blessing and I will forever be grateful to the
sacred plant medicine- Ayahuasca.)
I
first read about Ayahuasca about fifteen years before ever coming into contact
with it. I was so fascinated with its potential healing powers and the access
to the spirit realm that it was claimed to give, that I decided then and there
that one day I too would experience this sacred plant teacher.
Ayahuasca,
a psychotropic plant from the Amazon, which has been used for eons by shamans,
is called “medicine” because it is used for the healing of one’s soul. A shaman
I met once said, ”Ayahuasca can restore us to the health that we want so that
we can be free to fully live.” Ayahuasca is not addictive and even in Peru
today it is being used in special clinics to help treat drug and alcohol
addictions.
Little
did I know, when I first learned of it, that this ancient medicine would change
my life forever and lead me toward my soul’s true path. I did know, however,
that it would be a very powerful experience and that I was not going to go
looking for it but instead to let it come to me when my spirit was ready for
it.
The
opportunity finally came in the summer of 2006 when my best friend invited me
out to San Francisco for a ceremony. Together we had read about Ayahuasca years
before so I was excited to share my first experience with her. The shaman was a
curandero from Colombia, South America.
For
about two months before the ceremony, I took time to focus on what my intention
for working with the medicine was. I knew that this was important to receive
the full benefit of the medicine. I also knew that it was important to maintain
focus during the ceremony and not allow the mind to wander into dark places
easily. I understood that the medicine could teach you in many ways and at
times it will force you to visit your deepest fears to work through them, or to
have you relive past experiences to work through the trauma that had not been
dealt with.
My
intention was to better understand what my life purpose was and to have a
closer connection with spirit and Mother Earth.
That
first night of ceremony I had many beautiful visions and realizations. I
visited the cosmos and other dimensions. I remember seeing the shaman dancing
around the fire and I could not take my eyes off of him. His work mesmerized me
and I could relate to him somehow. I felt like it was a thousand years ago and
I was watching him work magic. I knew I had been a part of the same ritual in
some life long ago.
When
the night was done, somehow I knew that I had much more to learn and so I
talked with him about doing ceremony the next night as well. Luckily there was one space available. That
second night was one of the most enlightening experiences of my life.
I
met Mother Earth that night. I fell in love with the universe and I was blessed
with so much love. Love like I had never experienced before or even knew
existed.
It
was almost dawn, hours after the others in our circle had finished journeying
when suddenly the medicine became very powerful in me. It started when at one
point I felt sort of stuck like I needed to get something out of me that was
stunting my growth. I thought perhaps it was a demon or something very negative
but I felt I could not do it alone. Then I was guided to ask for the medicine
mans’ help. He came over to me and began to rub Agua de Florida on my forehead,
over the third eye, and on the area above my heart. At first, there was a very
hot burning sensation and I kept asking him to put the water on me to cool me
down. The sweet flowery smell of it was very soothing and eventually, I felt an
opening up inside of me. I began to cry deeply and to release what felt like
years of pent up emotion through my tears and then with my laughter. Then I
felt my third eye open up and a golden light, like of the sun, began pouring
into me. Finally, my heart just blossomed, like a lotus flower, and I could
feel generous amounts of love streaming into my being from the heavens. It was
the most beautiful feeling I can ever remember having. I knew the healing was a
blessing that occurred only because I was so open to it, and that my soul had
wished for that connection with spirit for a very long time.
That
night the Mother vine (Ayahuasca) spoke directly to me. She told me that my
soul’s true path is the ability to heal and that soon I would use it to help
humanity in its spiritual evolution. She said that the artwork that I do and my
work with rehabilitating wild animals would be the catalyst for this in years
to come. From there she also gave me many messages to give to my loved ones,
including the shaman, things I could not have known about them otherwise. They
all welcomed these messages and agreed that they were much-needed advice and
encouragement. Whenever I have journeyed with this medicine in ceremony, I can
hear the gentle voice of the Mother guiding me, encouraging me on how to
continue on my souls' true path.
After
several minutes I became more aware of the world around me, outside of my own
experience and I realized that I had been so filled with emotion that everyone
in the circle seemed to have their eyes on me.
The shaman decided that after such a release I could use some grounding
and so he had me get into the cattle tank that had been filled with water for
our afternoon swims. I was very reluctant, being so uncomfortable with the
cold, but he reminded me of our talk earlier when I spoke with him about
wanting to be free of my fear of the cold. I remember feeling everyone there
sending their support to me as I finally lowered myself into the chilly water
and began to relax into the feeling of being in the cold. Even the birds seemed
to congratulate me by singing to me across the forest. And I sang back. I
relaxed and said out loud, “It feels like embryonic fluid, like being in the
womb…….only I don’t remember it being so cold in there.” And everyone laughed.
Since then I have not feared the cold like I used to.
Once
my cleansing was over Alberto told me that it was time for me to go get
dressed, that the ceremony was over and everyone was waiting to eat. So I got
out of the tub and sort of hobbled over to the yurt to put on dry clothes. I
felt like a cavewoman then, crouched over as if I could not straighten my back.
It was as though I had gone through a rebirth and was getting back into balance
with my new being. I knew I had just been healed more than I had through years
of therapy. I had so many epiphanies in that one experience that it is
impossible to detail them all here now. But after that night I began to notice
many subtle changes in myself: more self-confidence, better communication and
the ability to express emotion more, among other things.
When
I came out Alberto had me sit next to him and we all ate a wonderful meal after
a long fast. Alberto and I became instant friends and I sat talking with him
for a couple of hours, sharing my experience with him and the message that the
Mother gave me for him. I will never forget the respect he had for me like I
was one of his kind.
The
next summer I had another enlightening experience in ceremony, when Alberto did
a fire blessing for me. This was something he did rarely but as a gift for my
organizing the ceremony, he agreed.
I
was on my moon (menses) and each time he held the burning rosemary branch to me
the fire would go out. He said that this
was because the moon energy is so strong that it literally can put out fire. “See? This is proof that what we believe is
not just superstition.” he said, “It may not work”. But I wanted a fire blessing so badly. So I
focused my will on making it happen. Then the fire on the branch grew strong
and he went on with the healing.
He
would fill his mouth with alcohol and then blow it onto the burning branch and
across my body, from head to feet, all the way down my body and then up the
back. People watching later told me that they could see the flame go through my
body and shoot out the other side of me. It burned some but only like a minor
sunburn and it was gone the next day.
When
he was done he had me sit down by the fire as he finished blessing me with the
Agua de Florida. At this point, I felt a huge release and I began to sob
heavily. I was feeling the love of the Mother once again and I cried tears of
joy. In those moments she told me that I had been ill for so long because I had
not paid enough attention to my body, especially to my moon time. Throughout my
life, I had been through many passing illnesses, from shingles at age fourteen
to an impacted colon at age thirty-three.
She said that it was time to give my body the attention, exercise, and
nourishment that it needed and that I should do a special ritual each month to
honor my moon. I have been following her advice, making several major life
changes and now I enjoy a much more balanced life. I feel in better health than
ever before.
I
continue to learn a lot about myself in ceremony. About two years ago I became
acutely aware of the negative effect that drinking alcohol was having on my
body and spirit and so when the medicine asked me to stop drinking it, I
did. I was only an occasional drinker
but I have always tried to honor her requests because I know that this sacred
medicine only wants to help me.
I
will admit that this sort of experience can be quite frightening as well.
Perhaps just knowing this is what makes it so. But in my experience, it does
not always matter what your intention is because the medicine decides
ultimately what your experience will be.
One
reason why I believe that Ayahuasca is not addictive is because of the
possibility of frightening experiences but also because of the purging each
time. Typically there is relentless vomiting before you can have visions. Who
would want to go through something like that very often? Unless you are an
Ayahuasquero and are meant to be a healer through this medicine.
Last
year I participated in a ceremony that was pretty scary. The Ayahuasquero was a man named Ronnie from
Peru, who spoke only Spanish. His ayahuasca was very strong. It was thick, not
what I was used to and hard to swallow. The Ayahuasca I had drunk before was
also terrible tasting but more like a liquid so it was easier to get down.
Thank goodness just one tiny cup of the stuff is all that is necessary or I
could never do it. Most people puke from it and I do almost every time. It is
believed that while the medicine is inside of you it goes around searching for
illness and pain to clean out of your system and then you purge it out. Some
like to call it “getting well”.
In
this particular ceremony I felt the pain of a friend’s illness. When my journey
began I started rocking back and forth uncontrollably and then my hands froze
up and I was unable to open my fingers. I could think only of my friends’
rheumatoid arthritis. I began to sort of moan and I knew that this was going to
be an intense long journey. So I asked one of the helpers to please bring the
shaman over to help me, then I told her, “ You have to take me out of this room.
I am disturbing everyone else’s journey.” Although I could not control or stop
the pain I was feeling, I was very aware and I knew that I would become louder
and more animated soon. Finally, Ronnie came over and began to sing icaros
(Ayahuasca songs for healing and moving energy) over me, trying to soothe me.
The medicine only became stronger and my pain more intense. So I announced to
the helper that they needed to take me to another room this minute because this
was not going to stop for a while. (Since then I have learned that it is
unusual for someone to be as cognitive as I am with the medicine. Usually,
there is no control of your situation at all.)
Finally,
the helper put an arm around me and helped me into a small room in another part
of the building. I stayed there for the night with my sleeping bag and a candle
for light. Ronnie was there too at first and I kept getting up to hug him or
caress his face, which he politely allowed me to do. He was very supportive and
stood there with me for a long time letting me cry on his shoulder. But then he
had to go attend to the others in ceremony and so I was left with the helper. I
kept telling her that I could feel my friend’s pain and I could not understand
why I had to go through this. I said to her, “I see rainbows over there but I
just can’t get to them.” She told me that if I wanted to I could. And I
thought, “But you are not me, so how can you know that?”. I knew I could not because I tried
desperately to escape the pain and to reach the rainbows. For some reason, the
medicine was teaching me what it is like to feel pain like that and seemed to
be showing me that it was possible to take on the pain of someone else. I have
learned since then that this is something you do not want to do and there are
ways to avoid this from happening. This has been one of the greatest lessons on
my path as a healer myself.
For
me, Ayahuasca is truly medicine for the soul, helping to restore one to health
so that they can live fully. Not to mention how it has taught me to respect my
food and my body, my only vessel to navigating this existence until death
becomes me.
